Why You’ll Never Meet the Right Woman

I’m sorry for that alarmist headline. But the truth is, most of the women we hear from are a lot more focused on “finding Ms. Right” than on becoming Ms. Right – i.e., learning what it actually takes to create lasting intimacy, and clearing your blocks to really letting that intimacy in.

Michelle and I just celebrated our 8th anniversary yesterday. We are right for each other in many, many ways. We have a relationship that is frankly much better – deeper, more loving, more trusting, more connected – than anything either one of us could have previously imagined.

Yet, we are also two very different people – and sometimes, those differences don’t align well with each other. So, one of the things I said to her during our celebratory picnic at a beautiful creek near our house, was: Thank you for being my most intimate trigger-er. 

What really makes us most right for each other is this: we both have a deep commitment to learning from – and continuing to love each other through – our triggers and challenges. 

(And we’re not alone in saying this. In fact, we’ve been interviewing members of long-term lesbian couples – we just did an amazing interview the other day with a woman who will celebrate 40 years with her partner next year! And in different words, every one of them says the same thing.)

Now, this might not be what you want to hear. I can relate. For a long time, I kinda secretly hoped for a relationship that wouldn’t “push my buttons” – or at least not those buttons, the most painful ones!

And when those most painful buttons did get pushed, I worked really hard to get my girlfriend(s) to stop pushing them! I was a processing queen. And I can (I’ve been told) be a formidable arguer. One girlfriend referred to my “debate team personality.” Another told me that I sounded like an attorney when we argued.

What do you think? Did that get me the love, intimacy and connection I longed for?

I bet you know the answer to that one 🙂

Deep down, I guess I harbored a fantasy that if I just expressed my wishes and perspectives clearly, forcefully and persuasively enough, my girlfriend would see the error of her ways and capitulate.

Now, mind you, I wouldn’t have said that this is what I was doing. I truly believed I was “right.”

But  that in itself should’ve been a giveaway. The truth – as you probably already know – is that love relationships aren’t about either person being “right.” They are a slippery, challenging, maddening, delightful, growthful, enriching, amazing, wondrous, challenging (did I say that already?!) exercise in loving across the chasm between one human being… one universe… and another.

We hear from lots of couples who say “We’re deeply in love – but we bicker constantly.” And whenever I hear that word, “bicker,” I shudder. “Bickering” means power struggles. Pushing and pulling. Yanking and hurting. I know. I’ve been there. And not only does it not work – it actually kills love.

This is why, eight years in, Michelle and I are so passionate about sharing the tools and skills it took us so long to gain. We’d really like to spare you some of the pain, some of the breakups, some of the despair we each went through – and help you find or sustain lasting love a lot more easily.  And that’s why we would love to mentor and coach you.

If you’re single, we’ll help you heal from past relationships, define what you want, heal whatever get in the way of your finding it, learn how to date wisely – and then navigate the wondrous but challenging terrain when you do begin to date someone you really like. (And if you’re not sure you want another relationship, that’s fine too – it’s not required! But either way, we’ll help you heal your relationship to relationships.)

If you’re partnered but having some struggles, we’ll help you – one or both of you – sort out what’s really getting in the way, and build the skills to heal your conflicts and create joyful, sustainable intimacy. (Or if that’s not possible, we’ll help you see why – and decide what to do about it.)

If you’re already in a good relationship, but want to go even deeper, we can help with that too! We’ve developed some amazing practices that keep us growing and thriving, separately and together – and we’d love to share them with you.

Our mentorship is very different from therapy or couples counseling (and can work much more quickly!) We’ll coach you together, two-on-one (or two-on-two), so you get the benefit of both of our perspectives, hearts and minds. We’ll give you lots of tools and practices to work with outside of our work together, so you can really shift things quickly, if that’s what you want.

Now, I am not saying relationships have to be hard work – or at least, not the kind of work that leaves you drained and wondering what the point is, and whether it’s even worthwhile. Our relationship isn’t that kind of work (at least not most of the time!) But the reason why it’s not hard work is because we see, hear, accept and adore each other as the separate human beings we each are.

This isn’t all that hard to do, once you get the hang of it. But it does take some skill, and a commitment to working those triggers. And these aren’t skills any of us learned in school – so most of us need some help and support! That’s why we’d love to support you.


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