woman with question marks love and sex

Is It OK To Want Love And Sex Without A Capital-R “Relationship”?

Some people think we’re the poster children for “Capital-R relationships,” but we’re not. We’re actually dedicated to helping you get what you want, whatever that may be.

How do you want love and sex fit into your life? Maybe you want one – or several – “friends with benefits” relationships. Maybe you want a solid community of friends and an occasional – or frequent – lover who’s not a friend. Maybe you’d like to live with another single woman, or several. Maybe you love living alone, but want more social contact. Maybe you dream of living with a partner. Maybe you want that partnership to be sexual – maybe highly sexual! – or maybe you don’t. Maybe you want autonomy – seeing a lover once a week, or a few times a week, and staying independent apart from that. or maybe you want a live-in GF who texts you frequently throughout the day. It’s all OK!

But if you’re like many of the women we speak to, you might feel:

  • Not sure what you want
  • Afraid there’s something wrong with what you want
  • Have a habit of deferring to what other people want
  • Feel selfish if you assert and stick to what you want
  • Worry that what you want is outside the norm (yes, it may be)
  • Worry that there’s no one else out there who wants what you want
  • Wonder whether people will judge you for wanting what you want
  • Wonder whether childhood trauma has shaped what you want (yes, it may have)
  • Feel unsure how and when to tell a date or potential date what you want – and find out what she wants
  • Fear that what you want just isn’t “realistic”

With so many beliefs and fears in the way, no wonder many of us don’t end up getting what we want!

We recently heard about the concept of “relationship anarchy,” which we found intriguing.

Basically, the idea is that rather than be stuck with categories like “just friends” vs. “partners,” and all the socially-determined expectations that tend to go along with them, we can claim the freedom to define our relationships for ourselves. That’s really what Conscious Girlfriend is about! As we often say, it’s about “taking charge of your relationship destiny,” rather than leaving it up to luck or destiny or chance.

Sure, within that we do have principles we teach about how to make any kind of relationship happier and healthier – like speaking without blame or self-blame, knowing how to handle your triggers, and not making assumptions. But we’re not here to tell you that you “should” have a girlfriend or partner, or that your relationships should look any certain way. Rather, we encourage you to explore deeply what you want, and then muster the courage to go out and find it (which of course involves articulating it and sticking to it!) And we’re here to support you in that process.

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